We all know how to speak and communicate to each other,
although the results of our communication are not always what we intended! The
way we talk to ourselves, our internal voice and language patterns are so
important to the results we get in life.
Below are four things that you most definitely shouldn’t say
1 – “I do not have enough to be positive and grateful.”
Some days you’ll find diamonds and some days all you’ll see
is coal. However, every day is a golden opportunity to learn, practice
gratitude, and positively impact the world around you.
Do not ask for instant fulfilment in your life, but for
patience to accept your current frustrations. Do not ask for perfection in all
you do, but for the wisdom to not repeat past mistakes.
Do not ask for more before saying, “THANK YOU” for everything
you have already received.
And remember, everything in life is temporary. So if things
are good, enjoy it. It won’t last forever. If things are bad, don’t worry
because it won’t last forever either. Just because life isn’t stress-free right
now, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.
Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you
can’t smile. The trick is to be grateful when your mood is high and graceful
when it is low.
2 – “My life should be easier and free of discomfort.”
Great challenges make life interesting; overcoming them
makes life meaningful. It’s how you deal with failure and discomfort that
determines your level of success and happiness. Laugh at your mistakes and
learn from them. Joke about your troubles and gather strength from them. Have
fun with the challenges you face and then conquer them.
Emotional discomfort in life, when accepted, rises, crests
and crashes in a series of waves. Each wave washes an old layer of you away and
deposits treasures you never expected to find. Out goes inexperience, in comes
awareness; out goes frustration, in comes resilience; out goes hatred, in comes
No one would say these waves of emotional experience are
easy to ride, but the rhythm of emotional discomfort that you learn to tolerate
while doing so is natural, helpful and prevalent. The discomfort eventually
leaves you stronger and healthier than it found you.
3 – “I can’t forgive them.”
Forgiveness is a promise. When you forgive someone you are
making a promise not to hold the unchangeable past against your present self.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was completely excusable, and it doesn’t
necessarily mean that person should still be welcome in your life.
It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are
ready to let it go and move on with your life.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with freeing a criminal of his or her crime. It
has everything to do with freeing yourself of the burden of being a victim –
letting go of the pain and transforming yourself from victim to victor.
4 – “I am alone.”
You can’t make it through on your own. None of us can.
That’s why, thank goodness, you are never as alone as you sometimes feel. So
many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you. You may feel alone
sometimes, but you are not alone in being alone.
To lose sleep worrying about a loved one. To have trouble
picking yourself up after someone lets you down. To feel rejected because
someone didn’t care about you enough to stay. To be afraid to try something new
for fear you may fail. None of this means you’re weird or dysfunctional. It
just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to regroup and
No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your
own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions. When
you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,‚Äù it’s just your mind trying to sell
you a lie. There’s always someone who can relate to you. Perhaps you can’t
immediately talk to them, but they are out there, and that’s all you need to
know right now.
If I eavesdropped on your self-talk, would I hear statements
that empower happiness, or statements that refute it? The next time you decide
to unclutter your life and clean up your space, start with your intellectual
space by clearing out the old lies and negative self-talk you often recite to
So there are four things you shouldn’t say to yourself, now what I challenge you to do is to replace these four negative thoughts with twelve positive statements. (Three each one) Please let me know how you get on!
It was my wife Sarah’s birthday last weekend and as a special treat we went to Iceland (Not the food chain) to celebrate, we both came back with a much deeper understanding of the word cold! We had some excellent excursions planned to see the Northern Lights (aurora borealis), the famous golden circle and of all things a tomato farm!
While we were there it was also a great opportunity to watch other people and their behaviour; we both love doing this.
The first trip was to see the Northern Lights, we had to go on a coach with 58 other people, just over an hour later we arrived in the middle of a volcanic wasteland. Everyone alighted from the coach into what appeared to be total darkness, we couldn’t see the person standing right next to us. The two ladies that had sat behind us on the coach had followed Sarah and I down the steps and out into the middle of crater, continued the moaning about the cold and the dark!
The view into the night sky was phenomenal, like nothing I had ever seen before, there was no light pollution and it was almost as if I could reach out and grab the star of my choice… A unique experience and the only thing missing was the actual Northern Lights, two hours in and the guide said we should call it a day and the remaining six of us that hadn’t re-boarded the bus should start to do so as it was unlikely that we would see the lights.
Yes, it was minus 12 degrees C and pretty dark, however, we had driven over an hour to be there so Sarah and I weren’t going to miss a minute because of a little bit of cold. Needless to say, the two ladies had found their way back on the coach after about three minutes flat! Just as we were about to get on the coach the guide said “quick, quick, the lights are coming out!” We had the light show that Sarah had be dreaming of, it was absolutely amazing even though it lasted for just over one minute.
Just as it came to an end the two ladies had managed to get off the coach and one of them said “That’s just my bloody luck to miss the show, that type of thing always happens to me!” The trip back on the coach to the hotel was interesting listening to the two ladies bemoaning their luck about missing the famous Northern lights and how they would have been better spending their time in the bar!
Next morning we were up early and on the coach to start our tour of ‘the golden circle’ the start of a ten hour journey to some of Iceland’s most famous land marks. This trip the two ladies were in the seats next to us, so great opportunity to observe, learn and report! The first stop was the tomato farm, then the boiling geysers and hot springs, followed by the frozen water falls and the pièce de résistance the valleys between the two tectonic plates!
The drive between the North American plate and the Eurasian plate put us amongst some breath taking scenery. We arrived at a base camp and was told that there was an optional 25 minute climb up to the coach park on the top of this range of mountains where the coach would pick us up. Everyone on the coach decided to take the challenge and walk to the top… Except of course (you guessed it) the two ladies.
The view and experience was outstanding with volcanic caverns, waterfalls, lakes and ice flows and no end of interesting things to look at, Sarah and I loved every minute. When we got back on the coach the two ladies were sitting there moaning about how long it had taken the rest of us to walk up and I said to them “Didn’t you fancy seeing the heart of Iceland?” Their reply was “No, there’s nothing to see it all looks the bloody same!” You just can’t help some people!
Now then, you might ask why have I told you this little story? Well my job is to Observe, Learn and then Report it back so that people can learn from it also. The two main learning bits from this were;
You make your own luck! If you have flown 1200 miles and endured a one hour coach ride to see the Northern Lights, what do you expect by sitting on the bus! Life is very much about engagement and new experiences. Engage with the people around you and enjoy the experience, sitting in a safe harbour never ever helped the great explorers of history find new and distant shores!
Even though you might be looking, what you see depends very much on what you expect to see. If you expect to see nothing new, then you will see nothing new. Open your eyes and start looking for what is under your very nose. There is so much beauty in this world that goes unseen because we are programmed not to really look! It is very much like the book by Russell H Conwell ‘Acres of Diamonds’ sometimes the very thing we are looking for is right there, we just have to look for it!
Just recently I was invited to an event called F##KUP Friday at Dragon Co-Working in Rochester. This is intended to be a fun filled night with 3 different speakers sharing their experience in growing their own businesses. I love any type of event that brings business people together as it’s a great learning opportunity for me, as well of course networking at its best!
Eighty plus people in the room, seventy five percent of which I already knew so lots of scope to meet new people as well as have a fun, education filled evening. Ten minutes in and I have my first opportunity to experience an interesting belief system… I was speaking to an accountant and I asked had she ever thought about standing up and telling us about her mistakes in life and business; “No bloody way!” was her response. “Why not?” I asked. “I’m an accountant and I can’t admit to making mistakes in front of people! What message would that tell my clients and any prospective clients?”
Did she really believe that she was perfect in EVERY way and never made a mistake? Even more, did she believe that her clients thought that she never made mistakes? Let me tell you this… There is no one on this planet that hasn’t made a mistake. In my mind it is part of the learning experience and without failing we cannot grow. Yes, she is right that her clients wouldn’t want her to make mistakes with their accounts, however, admitting to mistakes and putting them right shows a level of humility and makes someone far more likable and real!
Onto the first of the speakers. Young Tom, 28 years old and he starts by telling us that he left school with zero qualifications and no real chance of getting a great job. Fortunately, his dad got him an apprenticeship with one of his friends as an electrician. Tom worked hard for the five years to complete his apprenticeship getting up at 5am, driving into London then home by 7pm five days a week. His apprenticeship finished he was now a fully qualified sparks and earning a good wage, although working physically hard for it.
Tom’s mate, however, was in sales and earning five times as much as Tom with half the effort, so at 22 years of age Tom moved into the sales business. Before long he was earning more money than he knew what to do with, new BMW , giant hot tub in his mums back garden, £200 shirts, £500 trainers, expensive holidays and with the Rolex his dad had bought him on his 21st birthday looked the part of the successful business man.
Tom then goes on to tell us that this is where he slowed down, stopped putting the love into the business because he thought that he had made it…. More money going out than coming in and it wasn’t long before he was in financial trouble. The business that he had built was slipping away because the effort that he had put in had diminished, he was taking his clients for granted and working a fraction of what he did when he had started the business. The BMW went, the trainers and the shirts had worn out, the hot tub, like his revenue stream had dried up! On top of this the hair on his head had considerably thinned! At 28 he was driving his mums 16 year old golf and rethinking his strategy!
He’s now started his own electrical company which is now thriving because he learned from the mistakes that he made previously and he most certainly will not repeat the same mistake, as in his own words “Everyone makes mistakes but only complete idiots make the same one twice!” I see this behaviour everywhere, especially within networking circles, people get busy so they stop networking saying that they are too busy to find the time to build the pipeline and look after the relationships that gave them the work to be busy with in the first place. Madness……
Toms final words to all of us were “When you are busy work even harder, and keep going!”
When I was a young man of 23, my business partner and best mate Jamie and I used to stop off on a Friday night and have a beer in a pub called the Queens Head and as we were enjoying our pint a young ex public school boy used to drop in and have a drink with us.
Chris worked in the City as a financial analyst and he would say to us, “I’ve got a great tip, if you invest just £200 in this share or that bit of stock, it will make you rich!” Now, Jamie and I being working class type men were a bit skeptical of get rich quick schemes, however plausible they might seem and to add to that we were already well on our way to having a few quid!
We didn’t invest! What we did do was check young Chris out and found that he lived in a rented one bed flat in a very poor area and was in debt up to his eyebrows. So the question we did have for Chris the next time he came in the pub and sat down with us was “Why if these stocks and shares are so good why are you skint?” Chris didn’t practice what he preached!
Needless to say we didn’t see Chris for a very long time.
One of my key learning points in life is to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. The delegates that come on my Millionaire Mind-set course will know that I recommend everyone getting a coach/mentor in their life and business. The main reason for this is that we can’t fix a problem with the same level of thinking that created the problem in the first place and as creatures of habit we tend to look for solutions in the same place as we always have.
A lot of small business owners look around at successful business owners and think that they did it all by themselves. Let me tell you this, there are very few successful business people that have done it totally on their own. Every one of them has had some help somewhere; they will have made sure that the people in their lives and business are of the highest quality. I have a mentor and part of her role with me is to keep me focused and accountable.
Every entrepreneur needs a coach/mentor, because the fastest way to learn any business is to study someone who has been successful at it. This person has already paid the price of experience. You must absorb all of the information that you can out of him or her and take action! Does the coach/Mentor that you are considering run successful training courses?
Over the years, I’ve met many people who desperately want to be successful but who are ultimately unwilling to invest in themselves. They think, “I can teach myself. I can learn this on my own.” I’m always gobsmacked by this attitude. If I can avoid making a few mistakes by being mentored by someone that has already been there and done it, then I’m going to.
If a business owner won’t invest in themselves how do they expect other people to invest in them? They are happy to go out on a Friday and Saturday night and pour fifty quid’s worth of alcohol down their neck but won’t pour fifty quid into their head. If only they realised that by pouring the money into their head they could pour as much as they like down their neck in the future!
The wiser people will often come to me and ask me to work with them and others that I meet at network meetings or other business events ask me if I could recommend them to a great coach/mentor, which I do. However, it goes without saying that some coaches/mentors are better than others. There are so many people these days offering their services to entrepreneurs online. Before you jump into a new relationship, take some time to get to know a potential coach/mentor.
I have some basic rules that I use when recommending other coaches/mentors and which, I believe are six great tips before you choose a coach/mentor to take you and your business forward.
So here you go six tips for choosing a business coach/mentor;
Congruency – The number-one thing to look for on someone’s resume is his or her experience.
What exactly have they accomplished? Is it the same as you want to accomplish? Your coach/mentor must have walked the walk. I feel strongly about this.
Find someone that has truly paid their dues and can speak of their real-life experiences. Ideally, this person will have failed and succeeded. Their insight will help you avoid making costly mistakes and increase your chance of success immensely.
Does the coach/mentor you are about to choose have a track record of building successful businesses?
Is the coach/mentor’s current business successful? If not why not? I see a lot of business coaches/mentors out there telling other people how to run their business and make more money and they are skint themselves.
Make sure the coach/mentor you choose practices what they preach, and actually walk their talk!
Recommendations – Have they got a string of recommendations from real customers?
The chances are if you are picking a great coach/mentor they will have a portfolio of testimonials from satisfied clients.
Have they got social proof?
Have a look at their Linkedin profile and their recommendations. If they haven’t got any, why not?
Honesty – Will they tell you how it is or will they tell you what you want to hear?
If you are looking for someone to tell you what you already know, ask yourself is having a YES man doing you any good? You have to want to be challenged!
The mentor needs to be honest with you and you need to be honest with yourself.
Ask them if they have failed with their past business ventures? If they say no, I would suggest that they are less than honest.
Most successful business owners have failed and more importantly they have learned from the experience and then moved on to business success.
Attitude – I have met some business coaches/mentors that are very negative and spend most of their time finding what’s wrong with life rather than what they could do to get a better result. In my experience, having a great attitude comes with time and experience. The right coach/mentor will have been through it all – and come out the other side knowing a sense of humour goes a long way in business.
They are able to see the big picture.
They don’t get too upset or emotional.
An ideal coach/mentor is very patient, but also persistent and determined.
Positive energy is very important in any relationship and if your mentor has a negative attitude it will drag you down with them.
Make sure that they have a positive outlook on everything and look to find a way to make things happen rather than find reasons why they won’t.
KPI – Are they a Key Person of Influence?
Does your potential coach/mentor regularly give talks?
A great coach/mentor will have longstanding relationships with people who could benefit you. Ask him or her if they’re willing to open doors for you.
Sometimes, it is about who you know rather than just what you know.
If this person offers a long list of services, exercise caution. It’s impossible to be everything to everyone, and nor is it desirable.
Accountability – A great coach/mentor will not simply let you disappear.
They will hold you accountable. It’s a lonely place owning a business and in a lot of cases you are not accountable to anyone.
Yes, things get in the way. But he or she cares about how you’re doing.
If you’re lucky enough to find a coach/mentor that you gel with, as I have, you will make a great friend for life.
They will enjoy sharing in your success and feeling like they were part of it.
Remember Jim Rohn’s quote “You will become the average of the five people you spend most of your time with!” So surround yourself with people that you aspire to be like and who fill you with positive energy!
Finally I was driving on the motorway to give a talk to a group of business owners when I passed a van and the sign writing said “Don’t drive around with that dent in your car, or that scratch along the door. Let us fix it for you!” Yes you guessed it; in the front wing was a bloody great dent! And to cap it off, guess who was driving the van….. Chris!
Are you a new business or solopreneur? Then look at this video…
“Don’t ask for financial advice from skint people, don’t ask business advice from people that haven’t had a successful business and make sure you have your dents and scratches sorted by someone that looks after their own vehicle!” 🙂
My new book ‘The FlipFlopPsycho and the Ruby Earrings’ is being published in November. Here is the introduction to the story in which Ruby turns around her ailing business and makes some life changing discoveries. A story full of Leadership, wisdom and business knowledge!
If you like it, please fill in the form at the end to pre-order the book at a very special cost price and one lucky winner will receive six months personal mentoring from me!
So here it is… Enjoy
‘The FlipFlopPsycho and The Ruby Earrings!’
Finally this was the day; it was here, the day that Ruby had waited for all of her life. She was so excited that she was opening her very own jewellery shop with all of her very own designs. It had taken a while and without the inheritance from her dad she would probably still be waiting in another 38 years.
She had found this quaint little shop in a picturesque seaside town that was popular with the tourists so it should encourage lots of new faces to look at her hand made jewellery.
Deposit paid, lease signed for 25 years, a few modifications inside to include her work station at the back of the shop and brand new display cabinets; now her beloved jewellery to fill them!
The opening day was good with takings in excess of £1500; brilliant, Ruby thought, with money like that coming in I’ll soon have the life I’ve always wanted and financial freedom. The first year of trading was good she had taken enough money to pay the bills, buy new materials for stock and pay herself a small wage. What she didn’t seem to have was any left over, the more money she took in the shop the more she seemed to spend.
The next two years were better on the takings but Ruby found that she had to subsidise her spending for the business with her credit card, she justified this by telling herself it would get better after the recession. The fact was that the business was losing money!
From the minute Ruby had been old enough to pick up a crayon she would draw anything and everything she saw.
Her mum and dad would encourage her to play with other toys without avail, Ruby was absolutely single minded and only wanted to draw. When she started school she was the same and had no interest in anything other than drawing.
She didn’t pay any attention to the lessons except for art classes and when her teachers tried to explain that she needed an education she really couldn’t see why as she knew best. When she got to senior school she started to concentrate on drawing jewellery and the thought came to her that she would like to design items for princesses and actresses. Her favourite design was a pair of ruby earrings, with lots of individual rubies shaped like a bunch of red grapes.
When she left school Ruby went to work for a silversmith and learnt how to make fine jewellery and soon started creating items from her own drawings. She was learning all of the necessary skills to excel at her chosen profession. One day the silversmith said to her “I think it’s time you should know something about business!” Ruby looked at him and said “why would I want to do that? I love making jewellery and that’s all I want to do!”
This had been the way of her life; she had done what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. Being interested in anyone or anything else wasn’t what she considered important. Why would she need to be good at maths or English, why would she need to be friendly to people, why would she need to understand business? It just wasn’t as important as designing and making her own jewellery. She was a loner and that’s the way she liked it.
It was a sunny Saturday morning when a very successful local businessman dropped his wife off at the busy seaside town to have a look at all of the shops while he went to see a client that lived nearby. When he came back to pick her up she said “I’ve seen some lovely ruby earrings in this little jewellers shop at the end of the high street; can we have a look?”
So they walked back along the high street passing several other jewellers with lots of people milling around outside window shopping. When they got to the shop, there was a sign in the window saying “Closed for lunch!” “That’s a strange business decision‚” said the businessman; “A busy high street with lots of potential clients and the shop is closed for lunch? Never mind we can come back tomorrow as I need to get back today for another client.”
Sunday in this typically English seaside town was the busiest day of the week with lots of people driving in from the bigger towns of Maidstone, Canterbury, Medway and even London. This made shops in the high street a premium and they seldom came on the market for sale or lease even during the recent recession.
The businessman and his wife got to the jewellery shop just after 10am only to find it was closed again. All of the other shops in the high street were open for business and were taking advantage of the sunny day and the resulting extra influx of tourists. He said to his wife “Lovely jewellery but if the shop isn’t open on the busy times, how do they earn any money?”
They checked the opening hours on a sign hanging in the side window of the shop which said open Monday to Saturday 9am till 4-30pm and closed for lunch 12-30pm till 1-30pm. So they decided to come back on a weekday in a couple of weeks and hope that the ruby earrings were still there.
Two weeks later they visited the shop again and were in luck as it was actually open. In they went and his wife started looking around for the earrings. Ruby came out from her work station at the back of the shop and said “do you need any help?” A classic poor opening question thought the businessman.
“I would like to try those ruby earrings please!” said his wife. While she was trying them on he said to Ruby “how are you finding business at the moment?” “Not very good‚” she said “We have a lot of competition with three other jewellers in the high street!” “If we can’t get more clients in we may have to close!” “That would be a shame‚” said the businessman. “How do you market your business?” he asked. Ruby said “We are in a busy high street so we shouldn’t have to do anything other than attracting walk by clients.”
Very interesting he thought, and then asked “So what about a website?” “I have one but people don’t buy from it and I don’t understand it anyway.” He asked “what about Twitter and Facebook?”
“I don’t engage with my friends on Facebook so why would I want to engage with strangers? Anyway, none of that stuff works for bespoke jewellery like mine!”
“Ah‚” said the businessman “You have some lovely jewellery in here, is this all handmade?” “Yes!” Ruby replied. He asked “Have you made everything in the shop?” “No, I wouldn’t want to bore people with all of my things; I share the shop with another person.”
With that, his wife said that she liked the ruby earrings and dropped the hint that there were also a couple of other items, a bracelet and ring that he might want to come back and buy for her as Christmas presents.
“I’m not sure I want to sell those particular earrings as they were the first piece of jewellery that I ever made from my own design.” said Ruby. This is getting crazier by the minute thought the businessman; he asked “Why would you put them on display if you didn’t want to sell them?”
With tears in her eyes Ruby said “business has been really tough, with all of the competition it’s really hard to make ends meet. It’s the last resort if I sell the ruby earrings I will have enough money to pay the rent this month!” “What will you do next month?” he asked. “I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope we have a good month over Christmas!” she replied.
He paid the £800 for the ruby earrings for which Ruby thanked him and they left. She felt as though the world had collapsed under her, she had promised herself that she would never sell her first design, but this was really her last chance to keep the landlord happy. Oh why oh why had she signed that 25 year lease?
The Saturday before Christmas the businessman arrived at the shop at 9-00am sharp to find a sign in the shop window saying, Christmas hours Monday to Saturday 10-30am till 4-00pm. Despite being disappointed to have to wait, he did so as he had driven 30 miles to buy a particular item. He walked up the high street which was already packed. The little kerbside cafe’s were almost at capacity and people were queuing to get into other shops, he just couldn’t work out why any business owner relying on walk by customers would open an hour and half after their competition did?
At 10-30am he was waiting at the door of the small jewellery store and there was Ruby in her work station as usual. The shop looked particularly empty today and he asked if she had had a good Christmas up till now? “No‚” she said. “I haven’t been able to replace the stock as we haven’t made enough money so it looks like we will close down after Christmas.”
He asked her “what was the thinking behind the reduced opening times over the busiest time of the year?” Ruby became very defensive as she always did when people questioned her decisions and said “It’s my shop and I’ll open when I want to, I can’t see the point of being here early at Christmas!” “That’s a shame as the high street has been very busy since I’ve been here at 9-00am!”
He picked the ring and the bracelet that his wife wanted and asked how much? Ruby said that it was a thousand pounds. At that moment the businessman had a thought; he said to Ruby “I’ll make you an offer, you can take the thousand pounds now or I’ll give you a day of my time and I’ll help you save your business!” Ruby thought for a minute and said “there’s nothing you can do to save my business as I’ve done everything that I know how and it hasn’t worked. I’ll take the money please.”
That’s normal he thought for most small business owners, too busy justifying what they know to find out what they don’t know. He handed over the money and said “just before you go to bed tonight ask yourself this question.” “What would you do differently if you had the chance to do it all again?” “Then as you sleep and dream tonight maybe the answer will come to you!”
With that he thanked her gave her his business card and left. Like everything else in her life Ruby took no notice of what he had said to her and just got on with her day moaning to everyone that came in the shop about how hard it had been through the recession and that she would have been ok if it hadn’t been for the competition. That evening as she was counting the day’s takings she found the businessman’s card, she thought about what he had said to her, laughed, and then put his card where she put all other cards… Straight in the bin!
As Ruby slept that night she had the most vivid dreams, recalling all of the conversations that she had had with the businessman. The first time she met him when he had asked about marketing her business, about the website, twitter and Facebook. She dreamt about the question he told her to ask herself and realised that all of her life she had done what she thought was right and didn’t take any notice of what anyone had told her.
It was at that point she remembered what the old silversmith had said about learning about business and realised that that is what she would do different. She would have learned how to do it properly, she would have learned how to engage with people, she would have learned about marketing and sales. She would have paid attention to customer service, she would have realised that having a bespoke service she could have sold it online, if she had only found out what she didn’t know instead of justifying what she thought she did know.
She realised that she had had a strategy that was perfect to give her what she had and if she kept using the same strategy she would keep on getting the same results. She realised that she was a brilliant jeweller but a very poor businesswoman.
Early the next morning she went through the bin and hoped that the businessman might just still give her the opportunity of the swap of the jewellery for his time. Could he really save her business? She hoped he could as she now knew that if she wanted something different, she had to do something different!
And maybe, just maybe she could earn enough to buy those ruby earrings back!
Too late, the bin men had already taken the rubbish!
I was cutting my lawn recently and I noticed that the stripes that I had worked so hard to keep straight had a bend in them! As I was going up and down the lawn focusing all of my efforts into making sure that the front wheel of my mower was adhering to the wheel mark from the cut coming down the other way I hadn’t noticed that the stripes were gradually going off piste! The front wheel base being narrower than the rear wheel base meant that I wasn’t actually following a straight line but a slightly off centre curve!
Now this got me thinking about a solution to the problem of a lawn that wasn’t looking nice, stripy and perfectly square. (I hear you say sad bastard!) The answer was quite easy when I thought about it! It was to look at the end of the line I wanted to go along and not focus so close to the end of the bonnet so to speak!
By looking further ahead I was more aware of what was happening all around me and had a much clearer view of what needed to happen to keep the lines straight. I then thought that this was a lot like business and confirmed what I find all of the time that most small business owners don’t look far enough ahead. They seem to be too busy being busy and not planning anything for their business or life going forward.
We’ve all heard the expression too busy working IN the business to work ON the business. You may ask why is it that we spend all our time looking at things right under our nose but not seeing the big picture?
Here are a few tips that will help you improve your business and life by changing your focal point;
Set some goals… Even if it’s only small ones to start. At the end of every year I plan my next year with absolute precision breaking it down into quarters then months then weeks then days. Ok, it might not be precise at the end of that year, however I’m always a lot further ahead than if I hadn’t planned anything. After all, if you go into a railway station and ask for a ticket the first thing the ticket clerk will say is “Where to?” If you don’t plan it, it’s very unlikely to happen!
Put it in your diary… If it’s in your diary it’s more likely to happen. The amount of small business owners I meet that don’t keep a diary is astounding and they wonder why they haven’t got any money or their business isn’t growing. Putting things in your diary for the year is a great way to make sure that things start to happen, like HOLIDAYS! Part of my planning is six weeks work then a week’s holiday throughout the year. My wife and I plan the holidays, diarise them and then book with the holiday company, that way there’s no going back. I then work out the budget for them and that goes on the plan of what I need to earn that year.
Say what you do and do what you say… If you’ve booked it and you say you are going to do it, then make sure you do it. There are too many flaky business people out there that book things then don’t turn up because they’ve had a better offer. This behaviour destroys trust and says more about your integrity than anything else. If you only have this one rule in your life it will make a massive difference to the amount of referrals that you get. People like doing business with reliable people, so, if you say your going to do something, THEN DO IT!
Have a look for challenges… One of the most important aspects of good planning is that you can find out what challenges face you in the future. This means taking a bit of time to think about the tasks and wonder what challenges it could throw up. Doing this means that you can work out more accurately how long it might take you to resolve each one and be prepared. Hope for the best and plan for the worst!
Decide what’s most important, and ditch the rest… This may sound like a drastic measure to some, but it really isn’t. The day will quickly fill up with time-wasting activities if you aren’t careful. So, you must remember that being productive isn’t just about getting things done, it’s also about leaving things undone. The simplicity and efficiency of today depends heavily on the elimination of non-essential tasks. You must identify and focus on what’s most important to you, and then ditch as much as you possibly can of everything else. Have a look at my 3F’s video here!
So there you have it, you can focus on the front wheels and have curved stripes or look at the big picture and have a nice straight and stripy lawn!
Last Friday I was invited to do a business surgery at a local co-working group. What a fantastic opportunity for me to spend some time with these enthusiastic business owners and answer some of their questions about business and to hopefully help them on their journey to success. (Whatever that might look like for each of them).
Over the weekend I have been thinking about all of the subjects we talked about and thought I’d share with you my key learning points from the session.
Start living to your personal values –Rejections don’t matter in the long run, there will be people that rate you and those that hate you. Accept them and refocus your attention on what DOES matter. What does matter is how you see yourself. Always make a habit of staying 100% true to your values and convictions, regardless of what others think. Never be ashamed of doing what feels right. To help you implement this positive habit, start by listing out 5-10 things that are important to you when it comes to building your character and living your life. For example, Openness, Honesty, Fairness, Reliability, Self-respect, Self-discipline, Compassion, and Kindness. Having a short list like this to reference will give you an opportunity to consciously invoke and uphold your handpicked traits and behaviours in place of doing something random simply for the purpose of external validation. I see a lot of personal and company mission statements on websites and on the walls in offices I visit and the owners can’t remember what the values actually are. Your values should go through you like the writing in a stick of rock!
Move towards your goal every day – Have you actually set some life and business goals? If you don’t know where you are going how can you possibly move towards it on a regular and consistent basis? When a thought comes to mind, ask yourself if it’s helping you grow or holding you back. Take back control. Make the unconscious, conscious, and let go of what isn’t helping you. Letting go isn’t giving up. It’s letting go of any obsessive emotional attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations. It means showing up every day in your life with the intention to be your best you, and to do the best you know how to, without expecting life to go a certain way. Have goals, have dreams, aspire and take purposeful action, and build great relationships, but detach from what every aspect of your life must absolutely look like to be good enough for you. Just accept reality and then respond effectively. Focus on what matters what moves you forward today and let go of what doesn’t. At the end of each day ask yourself “Have I moved towards my goal or away from it today?” If it’s towards then do more of that activity tomorrow; if it’s away, then stop doing it!
You can’t grow if you don’t fail – It’s OK if you cock it up; that’s how you grow in life. Give yourself a break. Don’t give up. Great things take time, and you’re getting there. Let your mistakes be your motivation, not your excuses. Decide right now that negative experiences from your past won’t predict your future. If you are afraid of failing the chances are you will never achieve anything of significance. Look at things with a different belief, such as; ‘there’s no such thing as failure, just action and feedback!’ If you thought with every venture that you started there was only two outcomes, either you get the result that you wanted or you learnt a beautiful lesson, how much easier would it be to take a chance? Don’t worry about getting it right, get it going!
Everything is cause and effect – Do you remember at school being taught that every action has an equal and opposite reaction? Well, that’s absolutely true with everything in life and especially in business. If you don’t like the result that you are getting, change the action that you are taking. It’s absolute madness expecting a different result by taking the same action. An easy acronym for you to remember this is A.C.T. Take some Action. Consider the results, Tinker with the next Action.
Life is far too short to be wasting it making excuses, spending it with negative people or doing things that make us unhappy, so come on, make a decision to be in control of your life and choose to be happy on a daily basis.
Just recently I was asked to write a networking article for ‘Reverse the Tide’ Magazine about networking and here is the result that you might find useful if you, like me are a serial networker!
I was at the ABC Big Breakfast network meeting back in January and a business coach came up to me and asked how I managed to have my diary booked full of clients for 6 months in advance? I asked him how many network meetings he attended in an average month? He said 3 or 4 max, which at best is one per week! He then followed that up with saying that networking doesn’t work for him!
I told him that during a normal year I attend between two hundred and two hundred and fifty network meetings of one description or another and I have a process at each of those meetings. I also said that over 90% of my business came directly from networking or direct referrals.
He asked for some tips and these are seven that I gave to him:
BE CONSISTENT. It’s no good turning up to a meeting and then not going again for another six months. People do business with people that they know, like and trust and seeing you every six months doesn’t give them the opportunity to build that trust.
MARKETING BEFORE SALES. The amount of time we get cancellations at ABC Networks meetings because people say that they have to see a client! Really? It’s this mind-set that leads to a feast or famine business. Marketing is your sales funnel and without it the sales will dry up, so it has to be marketing before sales. If your clients can’t wait an extra hour in the mornings then that highlights other systemic issues in your business and would suggest a scarcity mind-set.
SUSPEND YOUR JUDGEMENT. Either consciously or subconsciously we are always making judgements and this is especially true at a network meeting. Your job is to be aware that you are doing this and STOP IT! Just because someone is dressed in shorts and flip-flops doesn’t mean they are skint or don’t know what they are talking about. Just because you don’t need a financial advisor at the moment doesn’t mean that they don’t know someone that could use your business. Stop judging and start connecting.
ASK DON’T TELL. If you are telling someone at a network meeting what you do, the chances are that they have turned off! Most people make a snap judgement about what you are saying and if they don’t have an immediate need they lose interest. When I’m asked what I do I always have a quick one line ready that includes the type of client I’m looking for, and then say “More importantly what do you do?” and I always finish with “How will I know if one of my clients is the right fit for you?” This shows that you are interested in them which will probably be a first.
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Reverse psychology here. Most people that network are busy trying to get a sale and that equates to most people are busy resisting a sale! Yes of course in the long run that’s what we want, however, if you work on finding out all about them and how you can help them, the law of reciprocation will mean at some point they will do the same for you. I know it feels counterproductive, trust me, it really isn’t about you!
CONNECT PEOPLE. Make a genuine effort to connect people and keep them uppermost in your mind while you are out networking. My sole intention when I’m at a meeting is who can I connect this person to, and I always offer to connect them with my Linkedin connections if it will help them.
UPDATE YOUR CRM. As soon as you get back to your office or home make sure you connect on Linkedin,Facebook & Twitter and any other social media platform. I always send an email to a new connection thanking them for chatting to me and offering them a connection to my connections. I then update my CRM with the details I collected from them so that I always remember their name and business, when you meet them again and can remember their name they will definitely be surprised.
Overall, I believe networking is about turning strangers into friends and keeping the relationship warm just like you would any other relationship and that is why my diary is booked six months in advance.
If you would like to know more about the Psychology of networking have a look just here!
I’m getting asked more and more by various businesses to help build the leadership skills of them and their teams. Lots of companies tend to underestimate the importance of great leadership training, in fact one business owner said to me “It’s my business, I pay the wages so they should all do what I tell them to do!”
Another example was when I was at a personal training studio just the other day and one of the coaches had told me that they had had a strong lecture from the head coach (Also the owner of the studio) telling them that they all had to wear the same branded work wear. Guess what the boss was wearing? A random holiday tee-shirt advertising a beer brand! Incongruent or what!!
These are not isolated cases either, I’m seeing it demonstrated all over the place and this type of leadership (Command and Control) is doomed to failure in the long run.
So here are Seven great leadership strategies that you might want to try in your business. Have a go for the next month and then let me know what different results you get in your business?
1- Build your self-awareness…
“Leadership has got little to do with figuring it out and more to do with feeling it out. It is about being aware. Leaders aren’t born; they evolve and to evolve you must first be self-aware. To develop leadership skills, allow yourself to be open, honest, and real. Be confident, not arrogant. Confident leaders lead through values, vision, and vulnerability. Arrogant leaders lead through fear, blame, and ego.”
2- Don’t hide anything…
“Your team can tell if you’re hiding something. It makes them uncertain or suspicious, both of which you don’t want. Lay out the rules of the game as you see them with your team. Let the team know where they are; work on a plan to go forward. Keep individuals up to date on their status as it relates to the group. All this forces you to have and share your vision, which is what makes you a great leader in the first place.”
3- It’s not about you…
“Repeat the words, ‘It’s not about me!’ every day, as many times a day as you can. Don’t make your leadership about being in charge, being right, getting promoted, or looking the best. Make leadership about the cause of the organisation, serving the legitimate needs of those you’re leading, and not taking yourself too seriously. You’ll have people lining up to work for and with you and the results will follow.” Try this book!
4-Lead from the front…
“Leaders need to show, not just tell. If you want your employees to be punctual, make sure you’re there on time — or even early. If professionalism is a priority, make sure you’re dressed for success, and treat everyone you interact with (both in-person and online) with courtesy. Set the tone and your employees will follow it.” Be aware of the Alpha male syndrome!
5-Have a positive attitude…
“Great leaders have an upbeat, optimistic attitude that serves as a source of inspiration for followers. If leaders seem discouraged or apathetic, members of the group are likely to also become uninspired. Even when things look grim and your followers start to feel disheartened, stay positive. This does not mean looking at things through rose-coloured spectacles. It simply means maintaining a sense of optimism and hope when you are all facing challenges!”
6-Learn to trust…
“Trust is the foundation for effective leadership. Exceptional work requires a degree of creativity. Set the expectations, but don’t micromanage. Trust your team to follow through, be creative and to get the job done. Trust builds loyalty, dedication and brings out the best in people. During the most critical moments, the strength of a trusted team pulls together to get the job done!”
“The most important person for you to manage is yourself. Hire a coach, talk to a mentor, do whatever it takes to manage yourself effectively. You are your best friend and your worst enemy and you look back at you in the mirror. Gain control of yourself and your leadership ability increases. By trying to control and micromanage others it decreases!”
Are you planting Bananas & expecting to pick Cucumbers? In my experience life is all about cause and effect, do you remember learning at school that every action has an equal and opposite reaction? Call it what you like, cause and effect, sow and reap, action & reaction one thing is for sure we are all currently getting the results of the action we have taken in the past. So I’m sure that you, like me, will agree that if we want something different we need to do something different!
As a psychologist I am always looking at the Behaviour of my clients, and come to that, at a lot of the people that attend ABC Networks and what I see is people getting a poor result and then moaning about it… How crazy is that?
Psychologists are constantly trying to prove or disprove theories and a theory that I have knocking about in my head at the moment is this… Small business owners that are currently not generating enough money and would like to, fall into one of two categories…
1 – They don’t know what to do to.
2 – They know what to do but don’t do it.
If they don’t know what to do then that’s easy to fix; find out what you need to learn and then Do It Now!
The second group is somewhat harder to solve as they really do need to ask themselves why it is that they are not taking action on the knowledge that they have. For instance, do they really want what it is they say they want?
I speak to lots of small business owners and I’m amazed at how many people seem to have a different view of the sow and reap theory, for example they go networking don’t engage with people, they don’t get any business and then say that networking doesn’t work. They then try a different networking group, don’t engage again and funny thing is they don’t get any business again. Is this group 1 or 2?
This behaviour isn’t just restricted to networking events either, it happens in other areas of their business. A business owner I met recently was telling me about his current cash flow issues and how he gets ahead for a bit and then the same thing happens. I asked him what his systems were for collecting money from his clients and he said he hasn’t got time to put any systems in place because he is always chasing sales so he would have enough cash to pay his bills… Is this group 1 or 2?
One thing for sure is that it is absolute madness, to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, it’s just like planting bananas and expecting to pick cucumbers! It doesn’t work…
If you are happy with the result you are getting, that’s great. If not and you want a different result, then do something different and if that doesn’t work do something different and if that doesn’t work do something different! Are you getting the picture?
First of all you need to know exactly what result it is that you want and then you need to measure every day what has worked and what hasn’t. Every day I ask myself have I moved towards my target or away from it. If I’ve moved towards it, great, I’ll do more of what I did. If I’ve moved away from it, I’ll change what I did, it’s really quite simple.
It doesn’t matter what we do in life we can’t plant bananas and pick cucumbers.
I was at an ABC meeting recently and asked the group what they would like me to speak about and I gave them a choice of Donald Trump or The Barn! All but one of them chose the barn, so, here is the same story for you…
Last summer my wife Sarah and I moved to the middle of nowhere in the Weald of Kent, it’s that quiet that the road where we live has grass growing in the middle of it. One of the attractions of the house for me is that there is a barn in the garden which is about 12m x 40m in size, the perfect man cave!
I had visions of a gym, pool table, cinema room and other boy type things. I started with getting the gym sorted and having a good area to train and all was going well when a client of mine asked if I could help him out with a favour by storing a little bit of his furniture?
Of course I said yes; now imagine my surprise when this articulated lorry turned up outside of my house… It blocked the road for nearly two hours while they unloaded all of the Rattan garden furniture which was stock that he hadn’t sold through the summer and wanted to store for next spring. The barn was full and had just about left me with a training area that was about 3m x 4m, tight was an understatement.
Like most things in my life I just get on and do it and look at the positives of any situation and thought it would all be back to normal come April.
In January two young ABC members challenged me and my mate Jamie to a little fitness competition, which in itself is great fun, however, if you know me you will know that I don’t enter anything half-hearted and I expect to win! So, we have five weeks to train for the competition on the 6th February. Training five days out of seven, three in my now confined gym space and two with Ross my personal trainer.
Two weeks into the training regime and Ross is off on his jaunt to Thailand with no consideration for me and this very important competition! (Just joking) Jamie and I decided to train together one a week at his place and once at mine. The first session at my place and Jamie walks into the barn and says “Bloody hell, this is tight, why don’t you move the stuff around and make some more room?” I said “No, I’ve looked and I think it’s about the best it can be.”
An hour later and some Tetris like thinking from Jamie we have moved all of this boxed up Rattan furniture into a completely new order and doubled the space for the training.
Now then, you might be saying what has this got to do with anything? Well, it reminded me that sometimes we can be too close to the problem to see the solution and sometimes to even see that there is a problem in the first place.
Maybe stand back from your life and business and look at where you are too close to see what you need to see to make the change that will give you the result that you are looking for.
Are you reinventing the wheel with your business? The first five years of my life were in a council flat in the East End of London, the only natural greenery I had seen was the river Thames (It was very dirty). Imagine what was going on in my head when my mum and dad moved us out to Sevenoaks and I saw grass for the first time….
Not only did I see grass, flowers and trees for the first time I came across the humble honey bee! I asked my dad what it was and he went into great detail explaining that the honey bee is the source of all food because without it’s pollination of the plants the human race would starve. This information started my lifelong fascination with bees.
Two years ago (quite a few years after the first bee encounter) I fulfilled that lifelong ambition of acquiring my first bee hive; little did I realise what a journey of discovery I was embarking upon. If I knew anything, I knew that I knew nothing about beekeeping and if I wanted to be the best beekeeper I could be, I would need some help.
One of our ABC Networks members had a stepson that had been keeping bees for ten years since he was seven, so I asked him if I could pay him to teach me, as we all know the quickest way to acquire a new skill is to learn from someone that’s been there, seen it and done it! He agreed and I’m now a proficient beekeeper.
Back to the present day and I have done with the bees what I do with businesses; I have ten hives and at the height of summer about one million bees. Growth requires different skills and trying to do things in a large apiary is like doing things in a large business, in order for it to be scalable we have to have a different set of systems and processes because we can’t do ALL of the work ourselves.
With an apiary once you have taken the honey from the frames you must clean the frames and prepare them for the next season, now, on average that took me about 15minutes per frame, 24 frames, in total six hours. As a hobby that’s great, but as a business with ten hives it’s a whole different ball game.
Realising that I needed help again, I went to a commercial apiary and asked how they cleaned up the frames at the end of each year. They showed me this very grand steamer and showed me how it would work. It was certainly an impressive machine, however it was more for the next stage of bee keeping to where I currently was, so I went home and designed my own. An old plastic dustbin, a new wallpaper steamer and some ingenuity and within half hour I had built my own steamer. Another hour and I had cleaned all of the frames ready for next year.
The lessons from this are two-fold; firstly, as business owners we should always be looking for better ways to do what we are currently doing and ultimately be looking for the best way to do it. Secondly, we can’t do it alone! Very few of us have an absolutely unique business and the likelihood is that someone somewhere is doing it a lot better than we are, so find out who they are and ask them how they are doing it and emulate what things they are doing better than us. Reinventing the wheel is time consuming and not necessary in most cases, so finding a inspirational coach or mentor is fundamental to personal and business growth.
About 2 years ago I was challenged to do 22 press ups for 22 days to bring awareness to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for British service men and woman returning from war zones. It moved me to find out that 22 ex-service men and women are committing suicide every day so I decided to give it a go. My mind-set was that if I could help raise awareness with my social media following and help save just one of those lives along the line then it would all be worthwhile.
I had to film myself doing 22 press ups every day for 22 days and then upload it to Facebook along with my nomination for someone else to take up the challenge each day. Those of you that know me will understand when I say I’m not very good at sticking to the rules, so I nominated six people to do the challenge instead of one. Two ex-professional footballers, two clients, my personal trainer and my best mate of 40 plus years, so you would think that there was a very good chance of them ALL doing the challenge.
Be ready to be surprised… Or am I just wishful thinking that six people that I’m quite close to would put others in front of themselves? Only one of the footballers and my personal trainer actually took up the challenge! To say I was shocked and disappointed would be an understatement and in my mind there can only be four reasons;
They can’t do 22 press ups!
They are worried what other people might think of them!
They haven’t got time!
They don’t give a toss about a cause bigger than themselves!
Their behaviour reminded me of this quote by Richard Bach from his book Jonathan Livingstone Seagull “Nothing happens by chance, my friend… No such thing as luck. A meaning behind every little thing, and as such a meaning behind this. Part for you, part for me, we may not see it all real clear right now, but we will, before long.”
As a performance psychologist I am very aware of behaviour and language patterns that people use on a daily basis and I know that about 85% of our daily actions are habit, so it got me thinking where else is this behaviour showing up in other areas of these four people’s lives?
Let me go through the four reasons and connect it with other areas of life;
They can’t do 22 press ups! Where else in their life or business are they not doing their press ups? In other words not doing what it takes to get the job done. I see lots of “Wantrepreneurs” that want the results in their business but are not prepared to do what it takes, they talk a good game but when it comes to actually getting down and doing the press ups they can’t do it because they haven’t been practising. My personal trainer can show me how to do a perfect press up, however, I have to actually do it. I may be able to show the “Wantrepreneur” how to make more money, but he/she has to actually do it! If you can’t do a full press up at the moment, do it on your knees until you can.
They are worried what other people might think of them! With the best will in the world we will only get 80% of the people to love us, which means 20% will hate us, and if the 20% that hated us loved us then another 20% would hate us just because that 20% loved us! Can you see the foolishness in expecting everyone to love us? Most people judge other people by their own standards and who’s to say that their standards are right in the first place. Trying to please everyone is fruitless journey which will never be achieved and stems from a low self-esteem and compounded by a compulsive negative habit pattern. This will have been learned in childhood from a perceived withdrawal of a parents love and continued in adulthood as the desire to please everyone. My favourite quote from Dr Wayne Dyer is “True happiness comes from being independent of the good opinion of other people!” If you or anyone you know has a low self-esteem then have a read of this book by Maxwell Maltz called Psycho-Cybernetics.
They haven’t got time! This may come as a shock to you… All of us only have 24 hours in each and every day. Why do some people get loads done in a day when others simply seem to struggle to do anything productive? It’s not about time management, it’s about task management. Those of us that get a lot done in our 24 hours tend to prioritise everything into a list and work on the things that make the biggest difference to our lives. Watching Eastenders or doing something to make my business better? I know what I’d choose…
They don’t give a toss about a cause bigger than themselves! Bob Burg has written a great book called “It’s not about you!” This sums up the purpose of life for me, life is all about how we can contribute to the greater good and focus on how we can help others less fortunate than ourselves. A lot of mental illness comes from being self-obsessed and in a lot of cases the route to getting better is to start helping other people. Just think, if each of us could help just one person each day what a better place this world would be? If you can’t help one person each day, start with helping one person each month, then each week. Whichever way you look at it, life would be so much better if we helped each other instead of using each other. A quote from the Dalai Lama “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used!”
There you have it, four tips for you and your business;
Do your press ups in your life and business!
Stop worrying about what other people think about you!
Task management not time management.
It’s not about YOU!
To the people that I have nominated for the 22 press up challenge and have taken it on thank you, I really appreciate you helping make a difference in this world.
To those that have done nothing with it I’d say this “You can make a difference or you can make an excuse!” What will you choose?
I’ve just had a week in Sorrento in Italy finishing my latest book. Sarah and I were sitting having lunch when this northern gentleman approached our table and said “Excuse me have you got a travel lion?” As he had a really strong northern accent I didn’t understand what he had said, however, Sarah asked him what was a travel lion? He replied “It’s the same as a normal iron but smaller that you take travelling!” Sarah said “No sorry” and the guy moved onto the next table and asked the same question while Sarah and I looked on and realised what he had actually said.
The people on the next table (From Newcastle) said “Yes, what would you like ironed?” At which point we just burst out laughing at our inability to hear what was actually being said…
Now then, this got me to thinking where else is communication lost on the recipient and where could we make sure that what we are trying to communicate is clearly heard…
How many times have you said something to someone and they were offended, only for you to say “Sorry I didn’t mean that, I meant this!” A lot of disagreements come from miscommunication in one form or another.
I once heard someone say “I’m responsible for what I say, not for what you hear!” and I think a lot of people also believe the responsibility lays with the other person to understand what is being said, however, I believe that great communicators have a plan and make sure that the language they are using is the correct one for the person on the other end…
Here are six tips for top communication…
Learn to ask great questions… Every question you ask should help you gather either facts or an opinion. Know which kind of information you need and frame your questions accordingly. Ask open questions, unlike simple yes-or-no questions, open-ended questions invite the respondent to talk and enable you to gather much more information. “What do you like best about this hotel?” is likely to generate more valuable information than “Do you like this hotel?” Another tactic is to ask a question in the declarative format, “Tell me about that.” People who won’t answer questions sometimes respond better to a direct order.
Practice your attention paying skills… When others are speaking are you really listening? We often confuse ‘listening’ with ‘being quiet’ but just because you aren’t talking while others are talking does not mean you’re really listening. Learn to turn off your own internal dialogue and truly tune into what others are saying. It often helps to repeat what you’ve heard so that you know you’re paying attention and they know it too.
Listen to understand… Steven Covey once said “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Often we are waiting for the gaps, or the breaks, or when we think the speaker has finished or had enough time, so that we can add our piece of communication. A lot of the time we break the sequence of discussion, or add content of little value, or just say the same thing again. We listen to respond. We build our own ideas, not necessarily creatively building on the ideas of others. Our behaviours are less supportive and more directive. We miss messages, and opportunities. We just fail to listen. Our agenda not theirs. It’s not about you; it’s about the other person.
Be interested in what they have to say… One of the key aspects of effective communication is the ability to show genuine interest. What do I mean by genuine interest? I mean that not only do you act as though you care, but you really do care and listen to what people are saying. It is easier said than done. Especially when you just want to get the job done and you may not care about that person at all. If that is your case then face the sad truth: you are likely to be a poor communicator. Some people are more adept at this, they have more empathy and are more people oriented.
Learn to paraphrase… Paraphrasing is repeating in your words what you interpreted someone else to be saying. Paraphrasing is powerful means to further the understanding of the other person and yourself, and can greatly increase the impact of another’s comments. It can translate comments so that even more people can understand them. Perhaps even reflect the answers back to demonstrate that you are listening in a positive and constructive way. Remember what you have been told! It can be useful to make notes after a meeting – their children’s names, hobbies, points of particular interest. Showing an interest in what someone thinks and feels helps to build a relationship with the person. By asking relevant questions it helps to reinforce that you have an interest in what the speaker has been saying.
Remember their name… Dale Carnegie said “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” Using a person’s name is crucial, especially when meeting those we don’t see very often. Respect and acceptance stem from simple acts such as remembering a person’s name and using it whenever appropriate. Take your time when you are introduced and make a conscious note of the name, my tip here is when you shake hands hold on for a fraction of a second longer and this will remind you to focus on their name.
So there you are, six communication skills for you to practice and if you do take action on what you have just read notice what a different result you get when someone asks you if you have a travel lion!